Broken dreams

Recently, I've been thinking a lot about what my mission is here in San Francisco. What is my purpose, why I'm here. What happens when my two year commitment comes to an end? Why do I miss my "old" life sometimes so much? Can I be happy here, perhaps even completely immigrate? Does Jesus really know what I do here, the sacrifice I bring? And  are they  really sacrifices I bring or is it normal that I'm doing this because He has sacrificed first?

Yesterday evening I was sitting in the tram, my backpack full of groceries , Juli (german band) in my ear a little dreaming in Berlin. The evening was warm, my day was not the worst. Finally some time to myself and there , quite unexpectedly, my brain decided it's time to reflect a little bit.

People often say "You're living your dream, you live and work in San Francisco, one of the most beautiful cities in the world" And I say "Yes that's true, but do you know what this dream cost me?" A thought I haven't thought  much. Yes I live my  dream, but it came with costs, with sacrifice, I gave things up that we take for granted.
It costs me that I am dependent on the financial support of other people, it costs me to be far away from family and friends. Far away from the place where I was born and raised and where my vision started. It sometimes means to be lonely and alone. It means almost everything to share and actually have no privacy. It means giving up your rights every day. It means to see things that you can not even imagine. It means to see brokenness in the worst shape. Every day. Is it worth it? Oh yes, it is worth it! Jesus teaches me the meaning of love every day. What it means to be "Second" and what it means to be hated by the world. I see how people get  changed and free. I see signs and wonders. I see people who get together to jointly fight the good fight. It is nice, but sometimes it is ugly.

It's ugly, but because we are not perfect. We all have our faults. The people on the streets that are obviously broken, live it openly. We hide it often and have become masters of masks .Often I have negative thoughts towards the people I serve and with whom I work. Sometimes I think that people here are  all a little too naive. But then I ask myself: "Am I naive Am I naive to think I could make a difference? Or am I just naive to think that Jesus needs me  to change something here? No! I am of little faith, and that's ok! I think too small, I life  too small, I work too small. I could think big, live big, work big. But to be honest I do not do that sometimes. But wonderful is the knowledge in it! I know all this and see I need Jesus! I need big dreams, big visions and a great hope! And I can have it all, because my Jesus is great! Those are the broken dreams of my life that only Jesus can restore!

Thank you that you see my ugly and my beautiful side and accept. Thank you for allowing me to be honest and that people still support me. Thank you for reading my blog and then pray for me. Thank you that you know I'm not perfect, but that you see I try here with Jesus to bring change. Thank you for allowing me to live in one of the most beautiful cities in the world, where poverty is so obvious that it hurts sometimes. And I speak not only of financial poverty. The poverty that some people have so much money that they have banned all people from their lives. They are so lonely that they need to earn more money. So that they can fill this infinite hole somehow. Because it is easy to see obvious poverty and what emulate it. But who does something against the poverty of loneliness? Let us stand up together for that. Even loneliness is social injustice! Thank you for all your financial support and that you trust me to spend and use  this money wisely!


Sometimes it is good to let your  thoughts run free and do not stop them. Wonderful truth can come out of it!

Sorry if sme of my thoughts were pretty wild or confusing. I just wanted to share my mind with you!

Be Blessed!